Benny

I heard one of the best sermons I've ever heard the other day. It wasn't told to me by a fancy pastor in a suit or even preached from the pulpit. It was told to me by an older gentleman holding his only possessions in the world in a single, well-worn backpack.

His name was Benny and he was homeless.

We found Benny through a church outreach. The church that my husband and I attend, started taking a group to Downtown Jacksonville and feeding the homeless during the winter. The word would spread that donations for hot food, drinks, and blankets were needed and within hours the church body would work together to make it happen. We would drive all over the Downtown area, where it was common to see at least one homeless person every other block, if not more. We would pass church buildings that were locked up, but they would have homeless people sleeping on their stoops. We found a group of people tucked back in the woods, under a bridge, and living out of tents. And we found Benny. We found him under a bridge overpass with another small group of men. His group was always very nice to us, thanking us for the hot drinks and chili and telling us that they were so glad God brought us into their lives. The first night we met them, my husband pointed Benny out to me and said, "He's different. I don't know what it is about him, but it's almost like he chose to be out here or something." When it got really cold, we would take them back to our church building and provide them with a warm bed, hot showers, and awesome food. Benny and his guys (we nicknamed them Benny and the Jets)  didn't normally want to come with us, but on this particular night, there was a possibility of freezing and that and the fact that he trusted us, after seeing us for the past few weeks, spurred them to come with us.

It wasn't until the next morning that I got to really sit down and talk to Benny. I had so many questions for him. Partially because I'm nosey and partially because something about him intrigued me. I found out many things that surprised me; I learned that he chose to be homeless. He told me that he had been working since he was young and as he got closer to retirement age, all he really ever wanted to do, was to be able to sit and read his Bible all day. He expressed his desire to know more about Christ and how he wanted to reach out to other people on the streets. We sat and talked about the Bible and about God's grace. The older men that was with his "group" stood around us silently and watched. Although, they didn't participate in the conversation, I could tell that they really looked up to Benny and respected everything he said.

But one thing in particular stuck with me when I was talking to him. Benny told me a story. He said that when he was first thinking about giving up his life for the streets, (he wasn't married and he had no kids) he would sit on a bench in Downtown Jacksonville and watch the homeless people go by. He told me about how he sat across the street from a gas station and saw a homeless man walk by pushing a grocery cart full of his belongings. He said the man had blankets and trinkets and all kinds of random things in the cart---all that was left of his earthly possessions. He was even carrying a folded sleeping bag on his back. Benny told me about how the man tried to go into the gas station with his cart and how the gas station attendants told him he couldn't take it inside with him. Benny watched, as the man was conflicted about leaving his belongings outside, but in the end, the fear of having his stuff stolen drove him to walk away. Then he told me of the other homeless people he saw. The ones who carried only one backpack and this allowed them to walk in and out of the gas station unhindered. Benny then quoted Matthew 6:19-21, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

He talked to me about how so many people hold on to things, but they're just that, they're just things. And at the end of the day, at the end of your life, they're not worth anything. They're useless. They're worthless. They won't be able to protect you. They won't be able to save you.

Talking to him opened up my eyes to see that I hold on to things everyday. Without even meaning to, I make idols out of my possessions and I neglect the only one who can save me. He was right, you know? When we die, we can't take any of our stuff with us. So don't expect to take all your belongings with you in your unfurnished mansion in Heaven. It doesn't work that way. The newest thing will only be new for a time and then, as all things do, it becomes old. Think about that.

Goodbye 2013

Growth.

If I had to describe the year 2013 in one word it would be: Growth.
This past year was a roller coaster ride filled with highs and lows and twists and turns. I was happy, sad, excited, depressed, angry, and frustrated. You name it, I felt it all this year.

At the beginning of 2013, I was accepted into the University of North Florida. It also marked change for me as I changed my major from something that I felt everyone wanted me to do, to something that I have always wanted to do. I sought God's will out on the matter and I am so happy that He gave me the opportunity to learn more about what I am truly passionate about---writing.

This past year was also a year of big family decisions. My husband and I were able to make important decisions for the well being of our family and future children. In the process, The Lord truly humbled me and taught me about what it really meant to "submit to my husband". Although, we oftentimes have differing views, I learned to put my trust not in my husband, but in the God that my husband serves. Knowing that I am married to a God-fearing man who seeks out the Lord's will was really what made it possible for me trust in the decisions that he made.

We received an abundance of blessings in 2013. My husband and I had been praying for a better vehicle for him and after months of praying and searching we finally found the "perfect" vehicle in Georgia. Having the funds for it was nothing short of miraculous and we know that the Lord's hand was in that as well. He was also able to become an NRA certified instructor this year, as well as start up a firearms business with one of his brothers. That was a large blessing in that he was able to pursue something that he is truly passionate about.

I started a book in 2013! I'm not very far along, but writing my first book has been something I've wanted to do for years; I've always just found excuses not to do it. Whether it be, I'm too tired, or I'll do it tomorrow, or I can think of a better idea some other day. I'm so glad that my dream is in the making and I'm looking forward to sharing the finished product with you all someday!

We also experienced loss this year. My husband and I felt the love and loss of a child that wasn't yet born. As much as that experience broke me, it also helped me grow. For a time, I was distrustful of the Lord's plan and love for me. I was also confused and broken and I didn't know what to do. It really brought a strain on my marriage and caused many heated arguments, but we grew from it. My husband and I are more in love than ever and we know that God has a purpose to everything that He does. As much as it hurts us or as much as we don't understand, we still know that we are undeserving of the blessings He gives us and we continue to believe that His timing is the best timing.

The end of this year was also filled with changes. Our current pastor at our church, Grace Fellowship,  decided that it was time for him to retire and our church merged with another church, Journey Church. The changes in the church body made me wary of how some would react, but the Lord really worked in the hearts of everyone in the congregation and the support for our pastor, the board, and the decisions that they made was overwhelming. While my husband, Brendon, is no longer a youth pastor; we are both excited and to see what the year 2014 brings and the opportunities that it holds to allow us to serve in God's kingdom.

The last day of 2013 was a major day for me. It was my last day of work! The exclamation mark doesn't exactly mean that I'm ecstatic that I resigned, but it has been something that I've talked and prayed about and it seemed the perfect time to do so. So 2014 holds endless possibilities for me and my family. I'm currently in a few interview stages for jobs in a different field and I know that I can trust the will of God to work in that area of my life.

So this previous year has truly been a year of growth. I'm honestly thankful for all the experiences that got me to where I am today---both the good and the bad. Happy New Year to all my readers out there. From the United States and all around the globe. I can't thank you enough for reading this blog and it truly excites me when I log in and see that my posts are being read not just here in the states, but also outside the country as well. So thank you for your support and I hope that this new year brings you and your family many blessings!

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perserverace finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1: 2-4 (NIV)

Skeletons in the Closet

I was cleaning the house today and I kept noticing the same thing over and over again. There was laundry that needed to be done, a few dishes that needed to be washed, vacuuming, and a little bit of clutter here and there that needed to be organized, but that wasn't what shocked me.

As I was putting the folded clothes away, I opened up the closet doors and cringed at the clutter on the floor. Clothes off the hangers, clothes not folded and just piled up. I quickly put the clothes that I was holding away and closed the closet door---leaving the mess and telling myself mentally that I would get to it later. The same thing happened as I was putting dishes away, my Tupperware cabinet was--IS---a wreck, but I tossed the clean containers in the cabinet and shut the door, I also added cleaning that cabinet to my to-do list. The bathroom wasn't any different. My cabinets underneath were so unorganized that it would take a good bit of time to sift through bottles of perfume, lotions, makeup, and random toiletries. And again, I cringed and shut the cabinet, making a mental note to do something that I knew I was probably not going to do. This happened numerous other times throughout the day. It was the same scenario with the garage, the laundry closet, and my office. After awhile I came to the realization:

Everything looks good on the outside, but I'm hiding so much on the inside. 

 

This reminded me, isn't this the same thing we do with ourselves? Don't we try to look perfect and beautiful on the outside, but on the inside we are full of things that we don't want anyone to see. Oftentimes, we are just as cluttered on the inside as the cabinets that I failed to clean out today. We hide the bad, the ugly, and we decide to keep it hidden inside where we think it does the least damage since no one can see it, right? 

Wrong. 

It does the most damage being hidden and keeping these things inside just makes it harder for us to grow. Just like if we bought a piece of fruit from the store and took a bite out of it, only to realize that the inside is rotten and riddled with worms. We wouldn't eat it. And perhaps we'd be a bit annoyed that the way the fruit looked on the outside deceived us as to what it contained on the inside. God didn't intend for us to be beautiful on the outside and rotten on the inside. 

"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel: 16:7 NIV

 Yes, we are all flawed, but He expects us to always try to be better. To never settle for who we were the day before. Maybe you're hiding addictions, lies, evil thoughts, past mistakes, whatever it is...God will take us as we are. Regardless of what bad things we've done, regardless of the extent of our sins, even though we feel unworthy---HE WILL ALWAYS ACCEPT US. He doesn't want us to live with clutter building up inside of us. I'm sure no one does. I encourage you to take your skeletons out of your closets and give them to God. Our Heavenly Father's arms are always open. I also encourage you to strive to be beautiful both inside and out.

You are beautiful. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7 NLT

You know you fight too...

This past Sunday, our Pastor said something that really made me think twice. It was this:

"When you and your spouse fight, you don't get hysterical; you tend to get historical." 

Sometimes for me it's both, but the majority of the time I do get historical. Things that happened weeks, months, and sometimes even years ago are re-hashed.

Humor me and imagine a fight between you and your spouse. Imagine being on a large battlefield. You on one side with your armor intact, your helmet in place, and your weapon of choice ready. For me, it would be the Barrett M82 (but let's be serious, it's priced at a little over $8,000; that's not happening anytime soon) and I would probably have a samurai sword on me too. (I mean, come one. Everyone looks good carrying one of those. Just think of Michonne on The Walking Dead!) And my husband would be on the other side of the field with a souped up AR-15 and a couple handguns on his person. It would be an epic battle---imagine one where nobody dies---and I'm sure if I was mad enough at him; I would find the slightest bit of enjoyment out of his pain. I can just see myself sniping words of insult across that field at him and having him retaliate with bullets of anger. I may even get close enough to lash at him with my sword of hate. Or, if I'm provoked enough, I may even grab some rounds that are many years old. Because, although they are old; they still pack a heck of a punch. 

This is a cartoonized idea of what really happens in the heat of an argument, but the idea is the same. We fight as if our lives depend on it and oftentimes we hold nothing back, digging as deep as years past. But in reality, it doesn't change things. It may make us feel better, but the feeling is temporary. I've done it so many times that I know. It's in my sinful nature to do so.

But there's always an alternative.

Grace.

 Grace: God blessing us despite the fact that we do not deserve it. Extending kindness to the unworthy. It may not work the first time, or even the second time, but it will keep the argument from escalating and I guarantee you that it will eventually provoke a loving reaction from the other party. And most times it's not something your spouse will be expecting you to throw at them. It'll catch them off guard, which it's always great to have the element of surprise.

I mean come on, it's always easier fighting alongside your best friend than it is against them, right?


"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God---not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

Even in the Storm...

I've been so busy with school and work these past few weeks that I haven't had time to do what I needed, much less what I wanted. So finding the time to blog has been hard...hence me writing at 1 am when I have to be at work in 5 hours.

So let me start with the past week. I've had two really bad days this past week, one of them being the worst day of my life...and that's putting it mildly. I won't get into details, but I will say that my faith was tested is being tested and I have to constantly remind myself that God's plan is better than anything I could imagine, so why worry? Honestly, it's easier said than done. I found myself questioning God and questioning myself. I was mad at God for a time; I just didn't understand. I think that a lot of us---whether Christians or not---find ourselves that way. Christians question God when things go wrong because we feel like we're entitled to good things and want answers that we feel like he owes us. But here's a heads up; HE DOESN'T OWE US ANYTHING. And unbelievers question God because they just legitimately don't understand why bad things happen. They tend to say that "God allows things to happen" and ultimately yes, He does, but many fail to understand the will of God and the purpose of his will. I learned so much about that this week.

I was broken.
I was hurt.
I was depressed.

But I have an awesome God and he welcomes the broken, the hurt, the depressed, the mourning, the thieves, the murderers, the adulterers, the suicidal, the drug addicts, the alcoholics, the prostitutes.

My God welcomes the SINNER.

And I'm so thankful He does, because I'm a huge sinner. I sin every single day and still He forgives me and gives me grace. I question His will every day and still He wants nothing but the best for me.

He is so amazing.


Things I learned this week:

1. My husband is more supportive and caring than I could have ever imagined. Ever.

2. My timing is not the same as God's timing. (His is better!)

3. Everyone makes mistakes; no one is perfect, even though we expect certain people in certain professions to be.

4. Silence is golden. Soothing. Comforting. It's just gooooood sometimes.

5. True contentment can't be found anywhere, but Christ. (Money, things, cars, jobs, friends, spouses, children, entertainment, successes...NOPE. Been there done that, IT. DOESN'T. WORK.)



"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is---his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2