Skeletons in the Closet

I was cleaning the house today and I kept noticing the same thing over and over again. There was laundry that needed to be done, a few dishes that needed to be washed, vacuuming, and a little bit of clutter here and there that needed to be organized, but that wasn't what shocked me.

As I was putting the folded clothes away, I opened up the closet doors and cringed at the clutter on the floor. Clothes off the hangers, clothes not folded and just piled up. I quickly put the clothes that I was holding away and closed the closet door---leaving the mess and telling myself mentally that I would get to it later. The same thing happened as I was putting dishes away, my Tupperware cabinet was--IS---a wreck, but I tossed the clean containers in the cabinet and shut the door, I also added cleaning that cabinet to my to-do list. The bathroom wasn't any different. My cabinets underneath were so unorganized that it would take a good bit of time to sift through bottles of perfume, lotions, makeup, and random toiletries. And again, I cringed and shut the cabinet, making a mental note to do something that I knew I was probably not going to do. This happened numerous other times throughout the day. It was the same scenario with the garage, the laundry closet, and my office. After awhile I came to the realization:

Everything looks good on the outside, but I'm hiding so much on the inside. 

 

This reminded me, isn't this the same thing we do with ourselves? Don't we try to look perfect and beautiful on the outside, but on the inside we are full of things that we don't want anyone to see. Oftentimes, we are just as cluttered on the inside as the cabinets that I failed to clean out today. We hide the bad, the ugly, and we decide to keep it hidden inside where we think it does the least damage since no one can see it, right? 

Wrong. 

It does the most damage being hidden and keeping these things inside just makes it harder for us to grow. Just like if we bought a piece of fruit from the store and took a bite out of it, only to realize that the inside is rotten and riddled with worms. We wouldn't eat it. And perhaps we'd be a bit annoyed that the way the fruit looked on the outside deceived us as to what it contained on the inside. God didn't intend for us to be beautiful on the outside and rotten on the inside. 

"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel: 16:7 NIV

 Yes, we are all flawed, but He expects us to always try to be better. To never settle for who we were the day before. Maybe you're hiding addictions, lies, evil thoughts, past mistakes, whatever it is...God will take us as we are. Regardless of what bad things we've done, regardless of the extent of our sins, even though we feel unworthy---HE WILL ALWAYS ACCEPT US. He doesn't want us to live with clutter building up inside of us. I'm sure no one does. I encourage you to take your skeletons out of your closets and give them to God. Our Heavenly Father's arms are always open. I also encourage you to strive to be beautiful both inside and out.

You are beautiful. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7 NLT

Amazing Article

 Just a short post for today:

Shout out to Abby Johnson! What a great testimony and inspiration. I read something from someone the other day, it was this:

They pronounce you dead when your heart stops beating; so why aren't you considered alive when you do have a heart beat?

http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/the-ultrasound-that-changed-my-life-abby-johnsons-pro-life-conversion-in-he

You know you fight too...

This past Sunday, our Pastor said something that really made me think twice. It was this:

"When you and your spouse fight, you don't get hysterical; you tend to get historical." 

Sometimes for me it's both, but the majority of the time I do get historical. Things that happened weeks, months, and sometimes even years ago are re-hashed.

Humor me and imagine a fight between you and your spouse. Imagine being on a large battlefield. You on one side with your armor intact, your helmet in place, and your weapon of choice ready. For me, it would be the Barrett M82 (but let's be serious, it's priced at a little over $8,000; that's not happening anytime soon) and I would probably have a samurai sword on me too. (I mean, come one. Everyone looks good carrying one of those. Just think of Michonne on The Walking Dead!) And my husband would be on the other side of the field with a souped up AR-15 and a couple handguns on his person. It would be an epic battle---imagine one where nobody dies---and I'm sure if I was mad enough at him; I would find the slightest bit of enjoyment out of his pain. I can just see myself sniping words of insult across that field at him and having him retaliate with bullets of anger. I may even get close enough to lash at him with my sword of hate. Or, if I'm provoked enough, I may even grab some rounds that are many years old. Because, although they are old; they still pack a heck of a punch. 

This is a cartoonized idea of what really happens in the heat of an argument, but the idea is the same. We fight as if our lives depend on it and oftentimes we hold nothing back, digging as deep as years past. But in reality, it doesn't change things. It may make us feel better, but the feeling is temporary. I've done it so many times that I know. It's in my sinful nature to do so.

But there's always an alternative.

Grace.

 Grace: God blessing us despite the fact that we do not deserve it. Extending kindness to the unworthy. It may not work the first time, or even the second time, but it will keep the argument from escalating and I guarantee you that it will eventually provoke a loving reaction from the other party. And most times it's not something your spouse will be expecting you to throw at them. It'll catch them off guard, which it's always great to have the element of surprise.

I mean come on, it's always easier fighting alongside your best friend than it is against them, right?


"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God---not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

Throwback Thursday

Some of my earliest memories from childhood are from when my mom and I first came to the United States in 1995. Not only was it a culture shock, but everything about this new country was shocking to me. The language, the climate, the people; they all shocked me.

My mom tells me a story that I don't remember too well, but she said that when we got off the plane from the Philippines I was in awe of all the American people I saw. So much so, that I pointed to a pretty, tall, blonde woman and said, "Look Mommy, a real Barbie!" That's when she had to explain to me that people in America had yellow hair. In fact sometimes they had brown or red hair too. I was so used to seeing short, dark haired Filipino people and seeing my Barbie dolls come to life was like a dream come true.

A few weeks into moving, I had another major culture shock; this time it was concerning food. My mom and I were living with my aunt and uncle and their two sons. Josh, their oldest, was my age and Joe, their youngest was still a baby. One night, all of the adults left and they had Josh's grandmother babysit us. I still didn't speak English very well and she didn't speak a word of Tagalog so already the night was starting off badly. Grandma ordered pizza for the kids since she knew that all
little kids loved pizza...right?

No.

Wrong.

When the pizza got there and she served my plate, I started crying. And not just, boo-hoo-I'm-sad crying, but boo-hoo-I'm-miserable-why-is-this-woman-trying-to-poison-me crying. And Grandma didn't understand why I was so upset and I couldn't tell her because I didn't speak English, so it was one big mess. She finally called my aunt and asked her to talk to me over the phone. I told her what was wrong.
 
I wanted rice.

That's it.

Just.

Rice.

See, you have to understand that in the Philippines, EVERY meal is eaten with rice. When we ask someone what they are having for dinner in the Philippines, we ask them what their "ulam" is. And that practically means, "What are you having to eat with rice tonight?" And that's just what I was used to.

I'm not sure if she ended up feeding me rice, but I can honestly say that 16 years later; pizza is one of my favorite foods! :)

And I have a last story for you readers out there. This one happened a few months into our move. My Grandpa (who we called Amang) came from the Philippines to visit us. One day, while the adults were at work, Amang was on babysitting duty. He didn't speak English very well at the time; instead he spoke what we Filipinos refer to as Taglish. Broken English. Anyways, while Amang was busy watching "The Price Is Right" in the living room, my cousin, Josh and I decided to grab the portable phone and take it to his parents room. There were a few numbers attached to the back of the phone. One of them being 911. I convinced Josh that it would be okay to call; my six year old mind thought that it would be fun. So we dialed those 3 numbers and we were going to hang up, but those dispatchers are fast! Before we could hang up, a lady's voice came over the phone [and not completely understanding her]; I handed the phone to Josh. I don't exactly remember what happened after that, but I do know that we must have hung up because they called back and Amang---with his Broken English---had to try to explain to them that he didn't call them, nor did he need assistance. Well, when he got off the phone, he was so upset at us that... 
he spanked us right there in the hallway.  The very same hallway that was by the front door. And the very same front door that just happened to have 2 large police officers ringing the doorbell and listening to Josh and I screaming and crying. 
 So yes, it looked p r e t t y bad when Amang opened the door and had two crying kids hiding behind him. It looked like he was beating us! But not to worry, it all ended well. Apparently, the police officers were all about "spare the rod, spoil the child" (as am I...now).

These first few experiences in the States were funny, but they are things that I remember many years later, as I'm sure many other family members do as well. Even though I was skeptical when we moved countries, I'm so glad that God directed us here. It is an amazing country, with amazing people and it's crazy to think that God knew what I was I going to be doing and where I was going to end up; even before I ended up here!


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

This is a picture of Amang, Joe, Josh and I :)

This is just a few months after being in the United States. I celebrated my first birthday in America, which of course, was really my sixth birthday. (Oh yeah...and that's Josh with his hands on his head) Haha!

Even in the Storm...

I've been so busy with school and work these past few weeks that I haven't had time to do what I needed, much less what I wanted. So finding the time to blog has been hard...hence me writing at 1 am when I have to be at work in 5 hours.

So let me start with the past week. I've had two really bad days this past week, one of them being the worst day of my life...and that's putting it mildly. I won't get into details, but I will say that my faith was tested is being tested and I have to constantly remind myself that God's plan is better than anything I could imagine, so why worry? Honestly, it's easier said than done. I found myself questioning God and questioning myself. I was mad at God for a time; I just didn't understand. I think that a lot of us---whether Christians or not---find ourselves that way. Christians question God when things go wrong because we feel like we're entitled to good things and want answers that we feel like he owes us. But here's a heads up; HE DOESN'T OWE US ANYTHING. And unbelievers question God because they just legitimately don't understand why bad things happen. They tend to say that "God allows things to happen" and ultimately yes, He does, but many fail to understand the will of God and the purpose of his will. I learned so much about that this week.

I was broken.
I was hurt.
I was depressed.

But I have an awesome God and he welcomes the broken, the hurt, the depressed, the mourning, the thieves, the murderers, the adulterers, the suicidal, the drug addicts, the alcoholics, the prostitutes.

My God welcomes the SINNER.

And I'm so thankful He does, because I'm a huge sinner. I sin every single day and still He forgives me and gives me grace. I question His will every day and still He wants nothing but the best for me.

He is so amazing.


Things I learned this week:

1. My husband is more supportive and caring than I could have ever imagined. Ever.

2. My timing is not the same as God's timing. (His is better!)

3. Everyone makes mistakes; no one is perfect, even though we expect certain people in certain professions to be.

4. Silence is golden. Soothing. Comforting. It's just gooooood sometimes.

5. True contentment can't be found anywhere, but Christ. (Money, things, cars, jobs, friends, spouses, children, entertainment, successes...NOPE. Been there done that, IT. DOESN'T. WORK.)



"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is---his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

15 INCHES

Interesting fact about me: I can be very impulsive.

This past Tuesday was a busy day for me. I'm currently enrolled in 6 classes at the University of North Florida and after having 4 of those 6 classes back to back, I was shattered. (At least that's how the Irish people say it.) I hadn't eaten all day, the weather was ridiculously HOT, and my hair which touched just above my bottom was making it even hotter for me. I was miserable.

So, my first order of business. Food. I took care of that at a Panda Express close by. Double Teriyaki with extra sauce? Oh yeahhh.

Next order of business was a haircut. I had been throwing around the idea of getting a haircut with my husband and of course as supportive as he always is, his only response was, "Not too short, ok?" I reassured him, but I forgot about the haircut and I hadn't brought it up in weeks so I knew that if I got it cut, he would be shocked. I had my fingers crossed that it would be a good shock.

I get to the hair salon and tell the lady I need a change. I asked her to cut off all my ombre because it had really dried out my hair.

Then "impulsive me" thought to myself, "why not cut it all off?" I reasoned with myself that my hair grows fast and it'll grow back before I know it. I also thought about donating it and helping out someone through Locks of Love. So I told the hair stylist to just cut it all off. She looked at me and she said, "Well, let's just do a little at a time. You don't want to make a drastic change or you may not like it." I smiled sweetly at her and "impulsive me" chimed in again and said, "No, cut it all off." 

Well I ended up cutting 15 inches off my hair and donating it to Locks of Love.  

Pictured is only the 12 inches I donated. The other extra 3 inches was more of an impulsive move. Again. 

I already miss my long hair sometimes, but I love that this new hairstyle feels lighter, I use less shampoo, and I take less time to get ready. Oh! And it's a plus that my husband LOVED it!

Well here it is. Short hair, don't care! :)

Current Read

I am currently reading, The Dark House, by John Sedgwick. This is the first of his books that I've read and it's the first mystery that I've gotten into in a while. The book is basically about a man, Edward, who has a hobby of following randomly selected vehicles to their destinations and he records the details of his pursuits on a handheld recorder. After the car he is trailing reaches its' destination---he leaves. Sound boring? Well it gets interesting when one of the people he trails acts sketchy and it brings Edward to break his biggest rule: Never go back after following someone. He breaks that rule and the man that went into that house is somehow acquainted with Edward and  is following him, in a sense. Edward is on a journey to uncover what this man knows and wants. 

So far, (I'm only 60 pages into it) the character development has been very thorough, but slow to get going. The author did really well on portraying the Boston setting. I've never been to Boston, but you can tell that the author either did thorough research, or he has previous experience with the location. The development of Edward's past and the use of flashbacks is also done well, but slow. Slow isn't necessarily bad though, sometimes it makes for a more suspenseful book and in this case, it works well for the author. 

                       I'll let you guys know my thoughts when I finish reading it!

This book is one of my all-time favorite books, written by one of my favorite Christian authors. It will always have a permanent place on my bookshelf. I re-read it last week and just wanted to give it a shout-out for all of the avid readers out there.
Brief Synopsis: College student, Seth, has an IQ greater than Einstein and somehow acquires the ability to see various futures. He uses this ability to help a runaway Muslim princess thwart the dangerous people pursuing her. (For example: In a situation where he could be killed, he sees hundreds of possibilities in a split second. If he takes a step left, he sees the outcome versus if he runs out the door, etc.) And of course, what sealed the deal for me; the love story that Dekker tied into it. It's a must-read!

3 Year Anniversary

My husband and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary this past August 14. They say that that's the end of the "honeymoon" stage, but I disagree. We've been together for a total of 6 and a half years and I can honestly say that each day we fall more in love with each other. Cheesy? It might be, but it's the truth.

When we first met, we were freshmen in high school. We didn't start dating until our sophomore year. This is the very first picture that we took together. I'm pretty sure this was taken in January of 2007.

WOW...I know, the hair. We looked so funny back then. Thank goodness it only gets better with age!

                I had to throw this in. I haven't seen Brendon in glasses in FOREVER.

2008 was a little better. This was our first movie date. And if you know us, you know we LOVE movies.

              Even though this was only a year later, the lack of hair makes it look like years had gone by!

This was a picture we took at the movies. 

And then came the long awaited senior prom. I was so excited, by then, we had been dating all throughout high school and we knew we were going to go together....it was kind of understood. So there was no sappy "will you go to prom with me" thing, but our prom pictures looked great!

And after that I was off to college! This a picture from our early college days. 

GO GATORS!!!

Brendon proposed on March 19, 2010. Here are two pictures from our engagement photos. 

Let's just say we were soaked  by the end of the shoot. 

We were married 5 months later on August 14, 2010 at the Budder Mathis House in Glen St. Mary. The venue was beautiful and the day was just perfect! Here's a link to our awesome venue, The Mathis House! http://www.theglenvenue.com/

Love this picture!

I asked Mom and Dad to walk me down the aisle. 

                                                 And...3 years later, this is us:

I'm certainly looking forward to many more years together. I'm so thankful God brought us together at such a young age!

"I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine; he browses among the lilies."  Song of Songs 6:3

"What's in a name?" -Shakespeare

One of the biggest regrets of my life is my name.

Not in the sense that I hate my name or the way it sounds, but the fact that I have SO MANY. I was born Maria Angela Avendano. Plain enough. But the family decided to change it up on me by nicknaming me "Angeline". (Nicknames are very common in the Philippines, which is where I was born) So for the first years of my life no one even mentioned my given name, I was Angeline. Then my mom and I moved to the United States right before my 6th birthday. I was still Angeline---to family, at least---but when they enrolled me in a public school for first grade, my name on the roll was Maria. I honestly don't know why I didn't let the teacher know that I didn't go by Maria. I'm not even sure if I knew what was going on because Tagalog was still my primary language. But either way, I became known as Maria to my fellow first graders and that, my dear friends, was my second experience of an occurring identity crisis.
My third came just months later when my parents built a house in another city and they transferred me to a private school towards the end of my first grade year. I was mildly devastated, at least as devastated as a six year old could be, but it ended up being pretty neat. Except for one minor detail....they called me Angela. Now I don't know how this happened or what conversation transpired between my teacher and I that caused her to call me by my middle name. Maybe I was embracing the changes that were occurring in my life and I decided another major change wouldn't hurt. (I highly doubt this theory) Or maybe my teacher just had something against the name Maria and she thought Angela sounded better. I don't know. But it was a life changing day because from that day on and for the next 7 and a half years after it, I would be known as Angela Avendano. Mind you my family still called me Angeline, but my teachers and friends from school now referred to me as Angela. Thus, comes my fourth experience with an identity crisis.
I transferred to a public school in 9th grade and throughout the four years of high school I was highly involved in the AFJROTC. (Air Force Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps) I was still Angela for the first few months of my freshman year, but the more I got involved in this new program, the more friends I made. And as most friends do, mine gave me a nickname. My corps commander that year started calling me "Angie" and just like that---the name stuck. After awhile even the teachers were calling me Angie, but as much as I wish it was, it's still not the end to my dilemma of names.
And this is where I will introduce my husband, Brendon. I met Brendon through his girlfriend, who happened to be a close friend of mine at the time. She introduced me as Angela, but after glancing at the school ID hanging around my neck, he saw that my given name was actually Maria and he insisted that he was going to call me by my "real" name. This might not have been a big deal if he was the only one calling me by a different name, but a few years later we started dating and he introduced me to his family. The name that he introduced me as? Maria, of course. So now I was known by Maria by not only him, but his family and everyone else he introduced me to as well.
So my husband, his family, and our church members know me as Maria. My post high school friends refer to me as Angela. My family has always called me Angeline and my most current friends and high school classmates call me Angie. Sometimes....most times...it gets confusing. What do I introduce myself as when I'm meeting new people? Well it just depends...in the most famous words of Shakespeare, "What's in a name?"

Inception

Halcyon: (hal-see-yon)
It means happy, peaceful, gentle, and calm.

I named this blog Halcyon because I wanted a word that describes the way I feel when I write and I want readers to share the same feelings when they read what I've written. This blog, unlike many, won't focus on a specific topic, but rather on various topics that seem to interest me. I plan to expose the inner workings of my busy mind and often as a writer the most random thoughts inspire me. So read on if you will. I encourage you to take this journey with me. A journey through the mind of a busy, aspiring, 22 year old. It's my hope that you find yourself enthralled. :)